I would be very annoyed if I was the GAL.  She has to deal with a person acting like a total jerk without a functioning frontal lobe and probably sees a case all about petty drama.  Jackass hasn’t even paid her, so she’s most likely displeased about that, as well.  (Fees have been accruing since the end of 2009 and the last billing statement said he owed her $1200.)

As briefly mentioned, he is on his third lawyer.  This one seems level-headed and definitely more ethical than the last.  This is why I am sure he won’t last very long.  He has already angered jackass by being pleasant to me and giving me Mother’s Day visitation during the last court date.  Jackass spent the morning at court rolling his eyes, sighing, and giving everyone what I call a “grumpy face.”  He again came to court wearing work clothes, (he’s a mechanic,) with disheveled hair, a blob of dried ear wax hanging on the untrimmed hair over his right ear, and looking like he hadn’t slept or washed his face.

Jackass is getting more and more desperate to anger me, I’ve noticed.  I had to get my son a phone so jackass and I can contact him and vice versa at any time so jackass has no excuse to call me on my phone.  Jackass takes his phone away during his visitations and emails me, telling me to call jackass’s phone if I want to speak to my son.  I had stopped responding to his emails months ago because he fills his emails with crazy accusations and lies, instigating any fight he can with me.  A week ago I started a list to send off to the GAL in a couple weeks because I’m tired of my son coming home, yelling at me about things because, “daddy said it’s all your fault,” or “blame mama.”

[sigh]  My self esteem must have been crap when we started dating.

I still want to say a few words to her.  I guess this is my only platform at this time.

Kathy,

I was angry with you for interfering in our relationship.  Your son always involved you in our disagreements so he would have an army against me.  I was angry you defended the way he treated me.  He was emotionally and financially abusive and I was angry you supported his behavior.   I was angry you lied for him and hid his infidelity, irresponsibility, immaturity, and lying.  I was angry you couldn’t raise your own sons to be honest, responsible, and caring men instead of abusive, narcissistic, sexually deviant, lazy liars. I was angry you took away my rights as a mother and forced your beliefs onto my son, raising him according to your wishes and against mine.  I hated you for hurting my son and putting him in dangerous situations.

I am sorry I was angry at you.

I feel compassion for you and all the hardships you’ve gone through.  I understand how having a physically abusive father who left you, your mother, and siblings when you were so young destroyed your life.  It hurts me to know your ex and current husband were so abusive.   I am saddened you felt pain from your health conditions.  I am in awe of your child-like innocence, love of nature, and happiness in the simplicities of life.

I wish we could have made peace before you left this earthly existence.  If you read this, please help your elder son through his rock-bottom moments so that he can learn, grow, and get through his karma.

I also had a breakthrough and fully felt compassion.  While alone last Wednesday, (running errands while my son was with jackass at his mother’s wake,) I was in the car listening to the radio.  I heard the song “Savior” from Rise Against.  I turned the volume up.  Like visual art, music reaches the heart of humanity.  It offers different meanings to viewers and listeners based on personal experiences, environment, mood, and opinions.  I have always enjoyed deriving meaning from music!  The chorus played.  “That’s when she said I don’t hate you boy, I just want to save you while there’s still something left to save.  That’s when I told her I love you girl, but I’m not the answer for the questions that you still have.”   I felt my heart break open in that moment.  I thought about jackass and the safety net of hatred had vanished.  He had never cut the umbilical cord with his mother.  She was his best friend, servant, and protectress.   Now she was gone.  I thought about this and the upcoming pain he will need to endure when his father dies, he loses his job, and his girlfriend leaves him for another man.   He will hit rock bottom before the year is over.  I know exactly what rock bottom feels like; I’ve been there over the past year and it feels so very bad.  I wept for him.  The tears were unstoppable.  I now understood why the Dalai Lama wept upon news of the death of an adversary, (Mao Zedong, perhaps?)  There is a karmic future.  When the song was over, I realized I experienced pure compassion.  It was penetrating.  I am still not comfortable with what happened and try to justify and understand the experience differently than what it was, but I think eventually I will come to terms with my transformation.  Since then, I still have not been able to repair the break.  For use of a better description, ‘the security door is busted.’  It will be easier to learn to accept it than to continue to fight it.  Isn’t that what got me in this bitter-ball place to begin with?

Jackass and I broke up 14 months ago.  All of my bills, license, etc. is registered to my parents house and I take a longer, scenic route home via side streets after 5:30pm if I’m still out and about, (jackass travels home at 5:45-50pm,) and on weekends.  My name isn’t even on the doorbell to my apartment and my car is in a garage.  The only possible way jackass could have found me is by stalking me.  Apparently, he’s stalked me.  During the last weekend visitation, he drove past my apartment with my son, telling him, “Mama lives over here.”  My son swears he didn’t tell him anything or acknowledge our residence when they drove by.  (I’ve been animate about teaching my son why it is very important jackass not know where we live.  He’s smart and 6, so I believe he wouldn’t have told jackass, especially the way in which jackass told my son he knows of our whereabouts.)

I went to the police station that night to speak with an officer.  This stalking thing had been going on for 14 months!  It didn’t do any good, however.  If we did not have a child, I would have been able to get an Order of Protection immediately.  Having a child or children changes everything.  I have spoken with several officers and lawyers about this.  If there are children involved, it is near impossible to get an ex to stop harassing you.  Mothers do not have the same rights as women without children from their ex in question.

My best friend has done a decent amount of research pertaining to the correctional system.  (She’s majored in criminal justice, psychology, and sociology in school with plans of becoming a detective or similar.)  She swears a super-majority percentage of women are in prison due to murder, attempted murder, or other acts against ex-husbands or partners because it was the only way they felt they could get out of an abusive situation or other injustices inflicted by these men.  I completely believe it.  Even I, a rational, educated, overly ethical, anti-violence supporter  thought about running over jackass.  (This was not recently!)  My rationale was that I would rather spend 6 years in jail than be harassed, manipulated, controlled, and threatened for another 12.  Having someone have so much control over your life such as where you can live, affecting where you can work, and what you can do with whom is very similar to house arrest anyway.  If I had actually contemplated this course of action, I couldn’t imagine how seriously a woman in a much more dangerous situation would contemplate this decision, especially under the extreme stress that women are put under in these circumstances.  Think about it for a long moment… women with children have no rights against their abusers.  The U.S. is ignoring a huge societal problem supporting the infliction of… well, basically gender-based hate crimes.  So, the feminist movement is far from over.

I am still in shock about the news, but I also have a very embarrassing outlook on this.  I hadn’t gotten over the anger I gained through all the horrible things she’s done to my son and how she had a huge role in jackass’s abuse and lying towards me.  I think her death has erased my ill-feelings, by I am ashamed to admit it is a bit of a relief knowing I don’t have to worry about her again.  I don’t have ill-will towards jackass, (he was uncomfortably close with her,) as he will surely have a very difficult time with this.  I don’t know why I don’t have more compassion over the situation.  Perhaps it is because jackass did not offer support when my grandmother and cousin passed away.  Perhaps it is because I believe in reincarnation.

The spine-tingling part of the situation is that I knew this would happen… sort of.  Last summer I asked the universe if jackass’s parents would live another year.  My response was negative.  (Don’t ask how I do this… it is complicated and somewhat unbelievable for some people.)  I asked as a half-joke, partially since I had a gut feeling, partially since it was such a bizarre question and the ladies in the office and I were just having fun asking random questions.  Between my gut feelings and the responses to my questions, I “predicted” that jackass’s mother would die first due to health-related issues, then a couple months later, jackass’s father would die due to chemical abuse mixed with depression and his reckless lifestyle.  Needless to say, it’s been less than a year since that day and I feel a bit guilty.  It was all in fun originally.  Sick fun on my part, but I certainly didn’t intend any harm.   I just learned this evening she died, but last night, my best friend and I were even talking about it.  We just knew it would happen and didn’t know when.  It isn’t like we had information, either.  As far as jackass is concerned, nothing is my business and he let’s me know that as much as he can.  Therefore, I didn’t know what, if anything, was going on with his mother.

Perhaps this is another big wake-up call telling me I should listen to my intuitions.

I want to call his girlfriend and ask her to make him stop harassing me.  Obviously, that is not a good idea.

I just sent him an email telling him he needs to buy my son his own phone.  He can then call him whenever he wishes… WITHOUT CALLING ME ON MY PHONE.  My son already asked jackass to buy him his own phone, but jackass told him he will not get him a phone.

Can someone please tell me why he won’t leave me alone?  He’s already gotten engaged to his rebound within a few months after we broke up!  Isn’t that supposed to be enough to get him away from me?

I am very frugal with my money and have always managed it well.  I have only a cell phone bill, small internet bill, car insurance, and groceries in addition to my whopping school loan bill and my son’s tuition bill.  I don’t drink, gamble, smoke, or shop for anything that is not a necessity.  I currently get paid twice per month.  An entire check goes to pay for my son’s tuition.  (He is in kindergarten.  The public schools only offer 1/2 day, which is not an option for me as it conflicts with my work schedule.) The other pays for my cell, internet, insurance, and student loans.  Gas and groceries are paid for with my child support money, but since the employer never pays, (currently owe almost $4000,) I’m not getting ahead any time soon.  Luckily, my housing is subsidized by my parents at this time.  I had a sizable savings and received a decent tax refund this year, but every penny has been spent on legal fees for this court case.

My parents won’t help me forever, nor do I want them to.  I didn’t want help in the first place, but I don’t have a choice.  I would be homeless without it!  I’ve fully realized to what degree our society is not conducive for single parenting.  It might be easier for parents of teens to have jobs, but anything younger or raising more than 1 child is not possible without having a high-paying job or living on welfare.  It may be possible to live modestly off a part-time job if the father earns over $100,000 annually, but again, there must be at least 1 high-income earner to stay off welfare.

I don’t know how other mothers feel, but I feel like crap.  I’ve always had a decent job and was able to care for myself.  Right now, I can’t.  This time, however, I have a child I need to care for, as well.  I am so limited on WHERE I can work due to losing my son if I move to far away and HOW MUCH I can work for the same reason.  That certainly leaves few options.  I can understand how people may say, “where there’s a will, there’s a way,” but those people have not walked in the shoes of a single mother… especially during an economic crisis.

Apparently, the months of stalking while I was still living at the house and the following me after visitation exchanges after I moved into an apartment wasn’t enough.  He involved his friends and family in the stalking.  He refused to move his crap out of the garage.  He yelled at me during exchanges until I moved exchanges to my parent’s house and had them answer the door.  I received prank calls, (came up as “private” or “unknown” on my caller ID,) until I changed phone numbers.  The court ordered me to give him my new number.  I received 2 more within a month.  (It stopped when I emailed him telling him if I get another I’m having the police pull up records.  I also told my lawyer.  Perhaps he called jackass’s lawyer, too?)

It seems the more I hide from him, the more drastic his measures become.  He filed a false police report against me less that 2 months after I moved out of the house and into an undisclosed apartment!  Despite my repeated stern requests for NO texts, (first contained in the email including my new phone number,) he has been sending a few texts recently.  This past Monday was the first time he has ever called my son. I normally don’t get calls until after 9pm, so I didn’t have my phone on me and consequently, didn’t get the message until after my son was asleep.  (A truly honest mistake)  He called again Tuesday night!  (My phone was off.)  I seriously don’t understand why he has ignored my son for the past year and a half that he has not lived with us, but now calls diligently.

Jackass also does really immature and ignorant things that he knows would drive me crazy.  During visitations, my son spends a great deal of time in front of the tv, (watching cartoons such as tom & jerry or 2 full-length movies in a row,) a hobby I think poorly of.  Jackass also only feeds him ramen noodles or McDonald’s.  I am raising him vegan, eating mainly organic, whole grain, nutritious foods.  Although I am Buddhist and not Christian, I still believe jackass buying my son a realistically-sized army rifle for Easter is a contradiction.  (Jackass is an atheist who wants to raise my son Christian.)  Certainly not to be forgotten, jackass has spent every visitation, (beginning 3 months after we broke up,) with his rebound girlfriend and her daughter.

The girlfriend thing is what confuses me most.  Jackass was supposed to leave me alone as soon as he had another girlfriend.  Last February, a part of me was hoping he would rebound just so he would leave me alone.  But, it didn’t work that way!  I don’t understand this.  His other ex’s who complained he was a stalker were left alone as soon as they freaked out in his face and called him such.  Well, that’s what he said, at least.  I only knew 1 of the 3 and she had gotten a restraining order.  Maybe this time is different because he can legally have contact with me because there is a child involved.  He knows he’s “got me by the balls,” since I can’t keep him completely away from me.  This is all so very sick!

Can someone explain the psychology behind these types of men?  I don’t know if it’s genetic, sociology-triggered, or due to his brain damage.

There were a few reasons I was intent on jumping back into the dating realm.  I’ll admit, it was initially to rebound just as jackass has done.  After a few months, however, it was because I wanted someone to cuddle with… I wanted romance.  For the last several months, I wanted a partner.  I am torn between the glamorous lifestyle of the independent woman and the archaic dreams of a loving, providing husband.  Growing up, I had been pro-woman’s rights and equality and a lover of power tools, while most of my closest friends were men.  Since I became pregnant, my situation and mentality slowly changed.  I now have more female than male friends, I had to give away my power tools when I lost my house, and I want a partner.  Some of this was forced, as I couldn’t have male friends while dating jackass, (I could barely have female friends,) but I won’t say I’m unhappy with the changes.  Sometimes I feel like I’ve given into the pressures of our society to conform to the feminine ideals.  Oftentimes I feel like the society’s expectations have set me up to fail.  I finally give in, ok?  Yes, I would like to have a loving husband.  But, when I’ve finally allowed myself to desire what so many of my friends have dreamt about for so long, the dream has been taken away.  Is that really fair?

Meeting people really is difficult.  In the past year, I’ve only had 1 date.  It was a disaster.  He was a horny man who was trying to get laid while on an alleged “break” with his girlfriend.  I’m young, but not THAT young.  I have a child and most men who are still single don’t want to date women with kids.  I don’t hang out at bars and don’t have money to hang out anywhere else.  Pregnancy completely changed my body… and not positively.   Mr. Right is not going to appear out of thin air.

So, my only salvation at this point is to just forget about men.  I must focus on NOT looking… NOT dating.  Even if I did magically meet someone tomorrow, I would have a really difficult time.  With jackass, I had finally began to trust someone in ways I ever trusted men before and it only destroyed me financially and emotionally.  I view that as a really tough life lesson.   A new man will not be patient enough to teach me to trust or love.  Nor would I expect him to be.